Lots of things are going through my head right now. I saw someone this morning, someone that once revolved around my world just 2 months ago. I mean i know that i broke his heart, but seeing him for the first time after breaking up with him just kills me for some reason. I mean i know that i've moved on, even though i don't yet have a boyfriend, but for some reason, looking at him just sparked something in my heart and makes me question myself if i made the right decision. am i supposed to feel this way? i don't understand and to be completely honest, i'm confused. but seeing him really makes me feel as if i made the wrong decision and i broke up for my own selfish pleasures..i'm so confused...HELP!!!

my livejournal
wow, it'd amazing how fast freshmen year has gone by. i mean, it feels like just yeasterday i was worried about not finding my classes, or being late to school, or even not finding any friends. life seems so easy then..i didn't have to worry about people i've had not-so-perfect relationships with or whose every flaw seems to stick out and make someone so unbelieveably annoying. At least in elementary i knew the type of people i would be dealing with. if someone were to yell at me, i would probably know what was wrong with them if it wasn't in their usual nature to do so. i was protected and watched over, never harmed or hurt. But now, i've got more freedom, more room to be my own person and experience things on my own. i have to face people whom i barely know anything about every single day. i have to listen to this huge amount of drama coming from people i now nothing about. it amazes me as to how i see these people everyday, yet i know nothing about them. but then again, you cross those few exceptions that you thought you knew everything and anything about them, and you realize, you don't know them at all. well, back to my thought for today, the time has come to close this certain chapter of my life with yearbook signing and the usual "K.I.T."s and "see you next summer"s, but for some reason this year seems more emotional for me to do. some people come up to me and ask me to sign their yearbook just for the heck of signing it, and i'm stuck into this situation of writing something nice about someone, yet i barely even know them. i mean how much do i really know about the smart girl in my math class or the quiet one in the back of religion? actually, how much do any of us know about each other...? i'll tell you what...barely anything. what am i to do in that type of situation? or even worse, what if someone you've had a bad start with or gotten into a fight with and haven't really resolved your differences asks you to sign their yearbook, what are you to do? you can't say no, but you can't really think of anything nice to say either. In a nutshell, what i'm really trying to say is how am i supposed to go through yet another year with people who barely even know me, and pretend that everything is alright? i mean when my mom got that notice about the risk of having to move because of state budget cuts and stuff like that, i thought of it as an opportunity to start over...again. begain fresh and maybe for once be happy with who i am and the people i hang out with. i mean ya there are those people who you love and are the greatest friends, but no one can survive on those couple of friends alone. i guess what i'm really trying to say is that i want true friends..is that so much to ask?

Omg..it's been a while since i wrote in this thing, but there's just something i have to tell someone, and once you read everything i have to say, you'll know who you are....

Ok, i have to admit, when you said the things you said, i know that they may or may not have been pointed directly towards me. But after sorting through my thoughts, first being angry with you, then hating you, i realized....you're right. you are so completely right and i can't believe it took me about a million years to figure it out. I can't know that i "love" someone after 2 short weeks. By putting my own desires above everything else, i realize that i pushed myself and everone else around me into believing in something that isn't really there. i know that doesn't make much sense, but i finally understand what you have been trying to tell my for the past month now. I've made a horrible mistake and it may or may not have cost me someone whom i may have had the potential to truly love and care for, and to feel the same way in return. i know i blew my chance so far, but i also know that listen to those around you can get you farther than anything else in the world. thanks. you and your advice honestly mean alot to me and i keep beating myself up inside at the thought of my stupidity for the past couple of weeks, and its killing me, but i've learened my lesson, i figured it out...

Merry Christmas! Haha, I know I haven’t written anything in here for a long time, so now I have a lot to write

Sunday

Sunday was so much fun! I went on the geography field trip downtown and I got to chill with my buddies Aimee, Sam, and Carolina. We lost the contest thingy to get extra credit, but thats ok. So first, I had to wake up early cuz we had to be at the subway station at 9. Knowing my mom, we got there a half hour early. So then, we were driving down the street looking for sumwhere to eat breakfast, and there was absolutely nothing! Thank God, we found a Carl’s Jr. or else I would have died. So then, we went2 the station and I was waiting for Devin cuz I didn’t want 2 be alone. I was waiting there for like a half hour, it was like 9:10, and Devin wasn’t there yet, so I decide 2 call him. I’m all like Hey Devin, where are you? Mr. Gideon iz wondering where u are and hez all like, why is Mr. Gideon looking for me? I'm all like, cuz our field trip iz today…? and he was like o shit! Thatz rite! Ok tell him I’m not coming. I was disappointed cuz he was supposed 2 be my field trip buddy, damnit! But I survived, I was wit Aimee Sam and Carolina. So then, we got home, it was my sister’s bday party celebration, and our whole family was there and Steph, Laura, and Nicole were there 2 cuz Crystal invited them. So then we were dancing, talking, eating, and laughing was such a fun day!

Monday

Today was chill. I just stayed at home and I was supposed 2 be doing my homework, but knowing me, I didn’t. I woke up and took a shower and stuff and then I called Devin cuz he wanted to do sumthing to day, but we couldn’t figure out what to do. So then I was like ok, maybe tonite we can watch a movie or sumthin and he was like ok. So then we hung up, I was wrapping sum of our gifts, and I realized that I had sumthin 2 do tonite at 7. So then I call Devin, again, and im all like I can’t do anything tonite cuz I have 2 b sumwhere. And he was disappointed and he kept saying damn 7 o’clock (haha Devin). So then I went 2 the thing I had 2 go to and after I went to the mall with my mom and my aunt and crystal and I went to AEO where we saw my other aunt and she was shopping too. So then we were shopping, and then we ate dinner and we left the mall at like 11. and we went home that was my day!

Tuesday

Today was so awesome! Ok so I wake up at like 8 and took a shower. Then my mom calls and tells me to call Devin cuz we’re goin 2 do sumthin today after his practice which was at like 8 or sumthin and it ended at 10:30. So then my mom picks us up, we go to pick up Devin, and we go to CityWalk. First, we ate lunch cuz it was like 11:30 and I wasn’t that hungry cuz it was a lil early to be eating lunch, but whatever. Then we went to buy our tickets 2 watch The Last Samurai and then we realized the movie starts at 2:40, so we had like 2 hours to kill. Then we went to Jillian’s and we played in the arcade 4 a while. Haha, I beat Devin’s ass so bad at shooting hoops!!! (I doubled ur score man!). then we played sum otha games and then we walked around the shops and Devin found out that hez gonna b an auctioneer and im gonna be a night club hostess (haha, Devin, ur job sux). Then we went to watch the movie which was the greatest movie (even tho Devin completely ruined it for me, lol). And we went to drop off Devin at his Grandma’s. then we went to Ontario to visit my mom’s friends and we ended up not coming home until midnight. So that was my day, tiring, but fun as hell!